Mother’s Love (Happy Valentine’s Day!)

Posted on February 14, 2015 by lifeonabramlake

When I was about 22 weeks pregnant and still a resident physician at the Kelwona General Hospital, I remember working a night shift for the hospitalist service. This entailed being on-call for about 180 admitted patients who were ‘orphaned’ (i.e. didn’t have a family doctor to care for them while in hospital), as well as completing any new admissions to our service that evening. As the night started, there were eight patients waiting in the ER to be seen by me, and the list was growing. Needless to say, I was running around like crazy and my brain was constantly being pulled in many different directions at once. That night, as I scooted by the nursing station in the main ER department, two pagers clipped to the skinny belt resting on the height of my emerging belly, my favourite ER doctor, Jeff Eppler flagged me down.

Dr. Eppler is one of those preceptors that makes practicing medicine an absolute joy. With tousled chin-length peppered hair, crinkly eyes, stories of rock-concerts and his own experiences in ‘toxicology’ ever on his lips, Dr. Eppler is ALWAYS good for pearls of wisdom. This time, I was not disappointed. With his hand on my belly, he stopped me and said, “Celia, the most amazing thing about being a parent is that when this little one is born, you will hold him and you will not be able to comprehend how much you absolutely love him. This is the greatest gift of all”. At the time, I had smiled and nodded, gripping the 40-page list of patients I was covering, not understanding the importance of his statement.

Months later, with Henry in my arms, I finally understand what he was trying to tell me. Being a mother is full of ups and downs, challenges and fears. Not a day goes by when I don’t have at least one thought of self-doubt, anger and frustration. There are days where I feel absolutely trapped by this little being, moments when I envision myself walking out the door and leaving for a weekend of self-indulgence and thoughts of absolute selfishness. There have also been times when I have held Henry in my arms, rocking him fiercely while he screamed and his tiny body bucked and fought my ever tightening grip. In those moments, when my anger and resentment seeped out in a waterfall of tears onto his red little face, it was only my slow and deliberate breaths that enabled me to keep myself from falling to pieces.

But the thing is, Dr. Eppler was so right. Despite all of this, when I look at Henry’s face, there is not one single other living creature on Earth that I love more ferociously than I love him. In fact, this sentiment on many occasions has brought me to tears. It is so difficult to express how much you can love your child.

So, today, on Valentine’s Day, I feel incredibly lucky to now have TWO Valentines to love. Fortunately for me, Henry is more complacent in the face of my constant barrage of kisses and cuddles than Blake!

Much love to all!