Paddle Me to Your Heart

When Blake and I got married on a rainy day in September 2012, my mom’s speech was one of the greatest gifts that we received. She spoke eloquently about the parallels between paddling smoothly together and our soon-to-be journey as a married couple, words that I will share throughout this blog as they are so fitting to my relationship with Blake. 

Re-reading these words now, I cannot express how deeply they ring true. Blake and I recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary by heading out into the wilderness of Quetico Provincial Park for a week-long, kid-free canoe trip. A chance to reconnect, to remember why we fell in love in the first place and to simply be with each other – no distractions. The differences between our first canoe trip together and most our recent paddling adventure are striking. Indeed, it has been a journey that has taken time and an incredible amount of work, patience, and understanding. 

Of course, as in life, our first canoe trip as a couple didn’t go as smoothly as planned. Back in the spring of 2010, just a few months after we had gotten together, Blake and I had decided to head out to Quetico Provincial Park for a long weekend of wilderness paddling. We were living in Thunder Bay at the time – Blake studying Engineering at Lakehead University, and I in medical school at NOSM. We were new in our relationship, still in the ‘over the moon’ phase, with lots to learn about each other.   

I had grown up with a paddle in hand and had had much experience leading canoe trips from numerous summers as a tripper at Camp Hollyburn. I was used to organizing, packing, navigating and leading trips and, well, generally being bossy. This worked just fine with 14-year old kids from Toronto, but tripping with Blake, an also stubborn bossy pants himself, was a different ball of wax. 

From the get-go, we argued. We fought over who would stern (i.e. control the direction of the canoe), who would navigate and be in charge of the map, who would cook, who would set up the tent, etc. etc. Looking back now, the real problem was that I wanted to do ALL of these things all on my own. I was so used to being completely independent and I didn’t want Blake to mess up my perfectly packed food barrel or set up my tent incorrectly. In short, I was having a little trouble letting go. 

At one point early on in our trip, we reached a point where we literally had to pull off to the shore to fight over where we were going and who was reading the map. I remember this so vividly because during this fight, Blake threw the map in the water (which is not a great idea when you’re literally in the middle of a massive wilderness park) and I had to jump to rescue it. 

Needless to say, that first canoe trip was a huge learning experience for both of us. 

I hope I’m not alone in saying this, but being married is hard, hard work. I personally have struggled with balance and allowing myself to let go of the reins. We have also struggled greatly in finding our individual identities and roles within the complex nature of a relationship. 

Although a deep love threads through the challenging times, there have been many instances, I have to admit, when Blake and I have fallen into ‘co-existing mode’. We exist together, but on a minimally functional level, conversing only when necessary, spending time in the same space only when the kids are around. Co-parenting at the most basic level. We hide behind closed doors, laptops and work, with little energy devoted to making our relationship thrive. We’ve fallen into these patterns in the past so easily, especially over the last two years. With two little ones, crazy work schedules and minimal time to spare, it seems that sometimes, the most important things are always the first to become lost. 

Since Alice has been born, we have worked hard on our relationship. I’m not shy to say that we’ve needed help to strengthen our marriage. Like most things, it’s taken a lot of time, commitment and intentional focus to rebuild the way that we communicate and work together as parents. The biggest challenge (which is still ongoing) has also been to relearn how to enjoy each other again. For all of you parents out there, I don’t have to tell you what having two kids in 16 months will do to a marriage! Half the time you can’t even hear your partner over the yelling and screaming, let alone remember why you married them in the first place 🙂 

I’ll end this by saying that if the thought of being in the wilderness (or even away from home in general, for that matter) with your partner for a whole week, without email, texts, social media, kids, jobs, phone calls, etc. induces palpitations, then it’s probably time for you to take the leap. We all get so dragged down by the day-to-day tasks that it’s easy to disconnect with your partner and let your relationship slide. 

So, beg or bribe family or friends to take your kids. Even for a night. Get away with your partner and turn off your phones. Simply be together and relearn who your partner is, why you love them and rekindle that spark. Trust me, it will be worth it!

Thanks Mom for these words. And a HUGE thank you for taking care of our kiddos with Dad so that we could venture out together this summer. Here are a few pictures from our latest paddling trip. Hoping for many more years of smooth paddling to come!